You Had Time
by SpencerBrown
Summary: Draco knows he should return to Remus after his mission, but is that really what's best?


Disclaimer: I have no legal rights to the characters or song. I'm just borrowing them for my own enjoyment.

Notes: This is an experiment. I've never liked the usual song-fic with lyrics placed in little blocks throughout the fic, or with the entire song printed at the beginning. I never read them, and don't expect others to do any differently. This song inspired me, so I've tried to work the lyrics into the actual story as much as possible. The random rhyming phrases will be strange, but we'll see if it works!

You Had Time

by Spencer

Draco stood still and silent in the warm crisp autumn air. The giant golden sugar-maple cast a glow across the sidewalk and rustled in the same breeze that lifted fine blond locks into a gentle dance. He stood and pondered and worried his bottom lip between straight teeth, passing concerned gray eyes from the house to the street and back.

'How can I go home . . . with nothing to say, and know you're going to look at me that way you do, with those big honey eyes. Those big honey eyes that melt me the minute I walk in the door. Those big honey eyes that will be asking important questions . . . questions I do not want to answer, that I can't answer . . . not the way you want. I do know what you want, but that doesn't mean I can give it.

You'll say, "What did you do out there, and what did you decide? You said you needed time and you had time."'

He sighed and gazed up through the brilliant leaves into the scalloped patches of blue. He loved Remus. He truly did, and he knew, through all their fights and bruised feelings, that Remus honestly loved him back. Despite the initial incredulity of their friends, the unusual and completely unexpected relationship had quickly been accepted with the best possible will. Still, problems didn't need to come from the outside, it was difficult enough on their own. Love was not the only thing required to make a romance work, and Draco was beginning to believe it wasn't even the most important. You always hurt the one you love, but when is the pleasure worth the pain, and how long can you hurt someone you love without breaking yourself? He sighed and headed up the path to the familiar front door.

'You are a china shop and I am a bull. You are really good food and I am full. I guess everything is timing. I guess everything's been said, so I am coming home with an empty head.' An empty head and a drowning heart, that's not where this trip was supposed to lead. He was supposed to have gone away to think. The Ministry had called for his assistance, as they did every-so-often. One of the most powerful young wizards in England could not expect to live entirely without interruption. Though he and Remus had moved to a small estate near the Scottish border, the Ministry always knew his whereabouts, and he had given his word to provide aid wherever he was able. As a powerful healer, a practitioner of wandless magic, and the most skillful potions maker since Severus Snape, no request was ever an easy one. His latest assignment had been no exception, not only difficult and dangerous, but long. He had been away from Remus for weeks and he knew exactly what would be forthcoming upon his return.

'You'll say, "Did they love you or what?"

I'll say, "They love what I do. The only one who really loves me is you," and you'll say,

"Boy, you kicked some butt," and I'll say,

"I don't really remember, but my fingers are sore and my voice is, too."' Very simple, bordering on a lie, but technically true. He hurt from head to toe, he was exhausted, and his magic felt raw and singed, but that didn't mean he had to say it. Remus would know anyway.

'You'll say, "It's really good to see you." You'll say, "I missed you horribly." You'll say, "Let me carry that. Give that to me." And you will take the heavy stuff, and you will drive the car, and I'll look out the window and make jokes about the way things are. You'll look at me sideways, gauging the damage, how much this last task has taken from me, how long it will take to get back. I'll just stare away, refusing to help by refusing to hurt. If I don't look into your eyes you won't see into mine, and maybe I can hide the truth a little longer.

There are so many good reasons why I should stay. I should stay for you. You love me. You love me with all your heart. I know exactly how leaving will wound you. You've been left before, but hardly by someone you'd allowed yourself to love and trust so completely. That's part of the reason. I hurt you so deeply, and so often, and so well one would think I had practiced my whole life. You hurt me, too, and I know you mean just as well as I, but I feel the pain. I know how I make you hurt because I feel it too. Leaving may be the last straw for one of us, but that doesn't make it wrong. It's just a matter of my own weakness. Hurting you steals my strength. How can I deal a mortal blow when I can barely stay on my own two feet?

Then there are all the practical purposes of our bond. Werewolves may still be feared and hunted, but no one will dare attack the lover of such a powerful wizard. It certainly allays most fears to have me around during the full moon. If all else failed they seem to think I could strike you down with a single spell. Not that they're wrong in the "could" but Merlin knows I would never do such a thing, not even at the cost of my own life. Plus there is my ability to brew your repression potion every month. Every social obstacle of the werewolf I seem to counter simply with my presence. How can I leave you to your old life?

But I believe even that would be preferable to what happens now. I am killing you a little each day, and that is simply too much for either of us to bear. We are great friends, passionate lovers, but as soulmates we collide like glass and stone. I'm not quite sure which is which, but we both end up cut and bleeding.'

He mounted the stoop and looked at the door, still unsure, still afraid, but tenuously confident that this was the right decision. It wasn't simple. It wasn't easy. He just needed time to think, to concentrate, to decide. He knocked quickly, half hoping to be answered, the other half praying to be ignored.

'How can I go home with nothing to say, and know you're going to look at me that way, and say, "What did you do out there? What did you decide? You said you needed time and you had time."'

He just needed some time to think.

"You had time."

Just a place to gather his thoughts and his feelings and the torn pieces of his soul back together.

"You had time."

As the door swung open green eyes opened wide in surprise, then crinkled into a smile. "Draco! I haven't seen you for months. How's Remus?"

"You had time."

"Hi, Harry. Could I . . . come in for a while?"

"You had time."

end

How can I go home with nothing to say

and know you're going to look at me that way,

and say, "What did you do out there? What did you decide?

You said you needed time and you had time."

You are a china shop and I am a bull.

You are really good food and I am full.

I guess everything is timing.

I guess everything's been said,

so I am coming home with an empty head.

You'll say, "Did they love you or what?"

I'll say, "They love what I do.

The only one who really loves me is you,"

and you'll say, "Girl, you kicked some butt,"

and I'll say, "I don't really remember,

but my fingers are sore and my voice is, too."

You'll say, "It's really good to see you."

You'll say, "I missed you horribly."

You'll say, "Let me carry that. Give that to me."

And you will take the heavy stuff

and you will drive the car,

and I'll look out the window and make jokes

about the way things are.

How can I go home with nothing to say,

and know you're going to look at me that way,

and say, "What did you do out there?

What did you decide?

You said you needed time and you had time.

You had time.

You had time.

You had time.

You had time."

You Had Time by Ani Difranco


End file.
